FRED.
A few years ago, I found myself at a crossroads with more than one friendship. Getting married and having kids will do that to some friendships, as will changing jobs and moving to a new town. Oh yes, and experiencing pregnancy-related and probably longstanding, on-and-off depression will shank a friendship or two as well.
I’d done all of these things, and saw a couple of older friendships grow distant and a new one I’d made online positively implode, with periodic aftershocks for months and even years later, all beginning during one of the roughest times of my life. I have my side of that story and she has hers, and the incessantly nitpicky, “she said/she said” details aren’t important to me any more.
What’s important to me now, years after having moved on, is that I know why I did what I did and I’m at peace with the way I handled things, even when I was irrational and emotional, even when I knew I’d be despised for some of the choices I’d made (because I sensed they were the right choices, as each aftershock has proven, time and again), and even though I know I made missteps and mistakes.
I still stand by it all, and now take the attitude I should have taken from the start, which is, essentially, “Fuck me? Fuck YOU!” Not sour grapes; I simply refuse to be manipulated or disrespected again, not from friends and certainly not from people who proved themselves otherwise. It took me a few years to realize that having the backbone to take that stance with someone means you truly are at peace, and I am. I also learned the hard way that trying to spare everyone’s feelings and make everyone happy often ends up doing just that–only it often leaves you holding the bag, and I can tell you, that bag ain’t filled with happiness.
What I learned from this time in my life–as I’d learned with lovers before I met my husband–was to know what behaviors and treatment I would and would not accept from a friend. Over time, I was lucky enough to develop several new friendships (while also keeping some old ones that had fallen away and a few others that grew from online into “real life” bonds). These friends not only saw the “real” me in good times and rough, but also loved me anyway (to paraphrase one of my favorite quotes). That was so vital to me, because frankly, I can be a real pain in the ass and I do believe my image appears under the antonym for “grace under pressure.”
During this time, every spring my mother-in-law would travel to Sanibel Island, Florida for a week or so to visit some old friends. They’d stay at a friend’s beach house and hang out, read, and go shopping; a totally relaxing deal. I remember thinking, “I want to do that some day.” At the time, I had two young kids and a mountain of student loan debt (but a part time, at-home job). Travel? Every year? With GIRLFRIENDS? Who all get along? Forget about it!
Also during this time, every time I’d think of names for each of our three sons (whose gender went undetermined until their birth days the first two times), my husband would shoot the majority of them down (including Angus–he actually giggled; NOT a smart choice around a pregnant me–and Deaglan).
Exasperated, I’d say, “Well, what do YOU want to name him if it’s a boy?”
“Fred,” he’d deadpan. Every damned time. I must have smacked that man a thousand times per pregnancy, but I suppose I deserved some of those “Freds.”
Fast forward a few years. I was done with pregnancy and breastfeeding and had managed to build a reasonably successful freelance writing business from home. I blogged about starting a girlfriends’ getaway and asked if any readers (most of whom were my friends already) would like to come along. To my surprise, about a dozen actually replied yes.
It’s so hard to get away when you’re working and married with young kids, not just financially but in terms of asking spouses or significant others to take off work and tend to the schedules we usually run, not to mention taking time off work yourself. My mother-in-law and her friends were retired with few financial worries; how, exactly, would we manage to pull this off?
Somehow, we did (that’s a whole other piece on smart trip planning for groups). We began planning, and as we did, I wanted to come up with a name for our girlfriends’ getaway. Nothing came to mind until I remembered those arguments with my husband: FRED! We’ll call our trip Fred!
In July 2007, we rented a luxurious cabin in Salida, Colorado and pretty much from the moment we got together, we laughed. When we’d be out, people would assume we were partiers because of all the giggling, but no, that was just us. In 2008, we converged upon Lake Tahoe and again, every night I’d go to bed with a sore jaw and abs from all the laughter, only to laugh again with my friend and Fred roomie, Janey, until we’d finally fall asleep, often still giggling.
The best part was how seamlessly everything went. A dozen women, all used to running the show at home, figured how to divide up the money for meals and activities, how to tidy the home, who got what bed (or what spot on the floor–eep!). We all just put our own egos aside and let it flow, and it worked.
This February, we held an impromptu “mini-Fred” in our sweet home Chicago. Once again, despite a bump or two in the road (and on the way), the laughter was there. So was the liveliness and the complete freedom from the mundane details and hectic schedules we normally face. We were just us, only funnier and more vibrant, and we just . . . laughed. Man, that feels great.
So on the day we left for home, fellow Freddies Melessa, Kelly and I walked to the River North Paper Source store. I hadn’t been here in about a decade, since their Evanston store north of the city is closer to me. I wanted to look at pretty papers for my friend’s baby shower invitations (struck gold there, by the way!). As we entered the store, I noticed some rubber stamps positioned on a display table. Guess what they spelled?
FRED.
I love you guys. And I miss you. Thanks for putting up with me and laughing at my jokes and my crazy conversations with random strangers. You make me a better person and a better friend and I know how lucky I am to have each of you in my world. CHEEP!
